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Theki's mentally-destabilizing ramblings

Hi, everyone. A couple of people seem to have started to do this, so here goes. Like everything I do, I won't keep up with this, and I won't try to sugarcoat everything with cupcakes and rainbows. I want you to know that if I sound upset, I am, but offering help or support is only going to make it worse. I suppose I'll just write about my day here, so I'll just start it off.

Day 01
It's the start of school after a far too short weekend. Yet again I'm procrastinating like hell and still have two classes left. This really can't be good for me, but I have no idea how to improve on it so I have no choice but to go with everything and see where it takes me. Yesterday I went to a party, and I'm sure you've heard me talk about it before. I had a good time, for the most part. I suppose I'm better at making friends than I thought. Either that or people just want to be my friend and I'm always the bystander in these situations. Regardless, it still didn't nullify my feelings of being neglected by those who care about me. I do genuinely feel I'm alone in this world and I sincerely believe that will never go away. I've lost all ability to care at this point, I've been so burnt out over school and life in general that everything that once made me excited or happy has just kind of slipped away at this point. I feel like it's just teen angst, but it's such an overwhelming feeling that never seems to go away that I know it probably isn't. Every day is always just plain mundane to me. Nothing ever happens anymore. I've pretty much lost the motivation and anticipation to anything. I never finish stuff and the things I do finish are atrocious in my eyes.

  • Slept a good while.
  • Listened to a lot of Crystal Castles and might have found my second favorite artist.

  • Actually had to live through the day.

I'll update this as the days go by. Might as well follow tradition and go out with a question. What is the good you see in the world? What makes you glad of your existence? Have a good night.
Seems like a cool blog. I'll follow it.
I think that, instead of making one post for the entire day, I'll just add whatever I'm thinking of during that day in a new post and mark a new day when it comes around. Lots of stuff seem to pop into my head once I get finished with these.

Sometimes I desperately try to write what I feel on paper but ultimately fail to do so. The feeling of unsureness, because you have no idea what's making you upset or why you're so stressed at the moment and when you try to express it you fail miserably. Hah.... I experience that all too often..
Hey, Hoyle!
Loving the blog so far!
I started blogging when i was 13, and i still love it.
Trust me, things do get better. Life isnt always so bad.
You can get through this <3
Don't discount your feelings, you do matter.
Day 02
It's around the afternoon and I'm already feeling somewhat confident in my ability to finish school earlier today. I think today will be a lot more positive and I'm hoping it will be. I normally don't get any sort of reprieve from my troubles but things seem to be clearing up today. Honestly, the only thing I'm worried about at the moment is how much I seem to be changing. I've discussed this in another thread; life's going by too fast for me. I feel like so much as tomorrow can be wildly different than today. The world itself is changing a lot around me, but the thing that's always been shifting and modifying itself far too much is my perception of myself. I'd love myself and be happy the next day and then all of a sudden I'd want to stab myself in the chest. It's not something too troubling, and I can usually just ignore it, but it's something I'll probably have to deal with my entire life. I seriously hate to self-diagnose -- I'm still waiting for the chance to get one -- but honestly, at this point, I profusely believe I am bipolar in more ways than one. Never mind my complete lack of consistent mood, when I have random out-of-the-blue supposedly "manic" episodes that hurt me more than the other people around me. Not to mention the regular anxiety attacks I get and the fact that every day I get intrusive thoughts in my head telling me to do or think of stuff I would never want to do in a million years. I am a very weird person in my eyes. I'm afraid that's something I'll have to deal with.

I'm able to be with my brother.
I'm having suicidal thoughts less frequently now.
I wrote this.

School is absolutely killing me right now.
I'm getting even more burnout.
I feel empty.

It seems not many people answered yesterday's question, that's okay. Here's another one: name any word that starts with T.
Day 03
Hi all. I don't know how to describe how I feel right now other than... I feel very "whimsical," if that's the world. Suddenly I love the world and have an immense appreciation for everyone and everything and yet I still feel overwhelmingly upset. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but I wish I could keep feeling like this forever. School was... school. I'm still working on it right now. I have church in a bit. I'm feeling very happy. I don't know what to say about my day, because I've just been in my room for most of the day. I don't know what to feel... I watched some videos and I'm listening to the same Crystal Castles song on repeat as I write this. Sometimes I'm glad I have good muscle memory of a keyboard so I can type this with my eyes closed. I'm typing this shockingly fast right now, and I have no idea how. I'm back now, I just ate. The feeling has worn away now. That's okay, I guess. Nothing happened today, with the exception of ducks fighting outside my house. That's funny. Umm, something strange is that I always view lifeless things as full of life. Give me a video game and I'll think the characters are real... even though I know they're not. This can be for better or for worse, I guess... talking to stuff that can't move like it's a real person tends to be comforting. I'm glad I'm with myself for now. My cat's in the room now, bye everyone, love you all...

I'm feeling very aloof right now. Yeah, that's the word.

I forgot what I was going to say here.
I'm being pressured like hell.

I don't have a question for today. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm very glad that you are having a good day.
hi, Hoyle! Glad to hear that youre having a good day
Day 04
Just give me more time, I hope and pray; I mistake all you say; The seeds of the dandelion you blow away. I didnt't make that. I didn't make the rhyme, obviously I'm not that good at rhyming.

Heh... I'm tired... Really tired, but I can't sleep...

Something's missing.
I don't know why I keep editing this post. Why do I keep editing this post? I'm tired. I really need to go to sleep. I don't want to, though. And I can't.

I'll see you j all tomorrow. I feel weak.

I'm tired. I am obviously very tired. I am acting like a moron right now but My lazy ass can't get up into bed. This can't be good for me. I'm sorry if I. . a ct a bit batshit crazy around you, I'm usually not this tired or aloof, recently I g[ I've been happier, good thing I suppose, ahah I'm gonna .. fucking... go the fuck to bed. Bye. Goodnight everyone. I might... I might, ummm, look back on this as stupid or something. I'm so fucking tired... get the fuck to bed...

Oh, hey, Hydrogen's online. Isn't that the guy that made the games? That's cool, I don't see him that much. I don't think I've seen him at all. If you're seeing this, hi, godnight.

I'm sleeping. Goodnight. Hopefully I mean it this time. Hopefully I...make it this time. I met some likeminded people today, I don't even know who they are... is it today or tomorrow? Is it the proper time to write this, or is it too late?? Isn't Midnight technically the start of a new Day? That's always confused me. I'm going to sleep, hopefully I follow through with this, but note quiet yet, I;m sorry for being a massive fucking embarrassment and a huge prick to everyone. I'ts all my fault, I'm rea l sorry.

Oh, shit, question... question... Heres's today's question. What time do you wake up at? I usually sleep in really late cuz I stay up so much... it's in one in the morning right now , I'll probably wake up at noon. Like I always do., So that's the question, I' dlike to hear what time you wake up at. Guess what, I suppose I won't really read it or care abvout it that mchuch, but I'd care enoguh to read it and wonder how it mnust be to be as ...... sensible. As all of you. Goodnight., seri Seirously.
Day 05

Day 06
Today was absolutely fucking awful. Everyone was against me and terrible shit kept hitting me from left to right. I am so fucking tired, I really don't know why everything in life has to be this miserable. Honestly, today I got more lucky than anything. I'm going to be fucking dead in the next year.

Absolutely nothing good happened today. I was either going through something rough and being ridiculed for it, or absolutely nothing was happening and I was bored as fuck.

Everything. Fucking EVERYTHING. FUCK.
Get some rest, Theks. Not everyone is against you.
Day 08
HAPPY TWOSDAY! I just wanted to say this so I would at least spend this day wisely. It's probably a once-in-a-lifetime event, anyway. I'll write more later. I had to hold my cat since he was growling at people and holy SHIT he tried to get at them so fucking bad.
Day 14?
Alright. Doing something a bit different now. 3...2...1.

alright so what youre seeing know is pure unfiltered non sense coming from my brain, it's cool, you should try it. What im doing is im just looking straight down at my keyboard and as soon as i get a thought i type it down. A non stop flow from my brain to my fingers to the computer, it never stops unless i want it to. This is as pure and unfiltered as it gets, and i suppose yo should try it if youre feeling up to you. I probably will spend most of this talking about what im doing right now, and i want you know to you know that im not even correcting any mistakes, i correct them in post. D Numer 1. Type. Numbe r 2, correct typos, easy as that, thank you very much, thankyou, and raelly this is as upfront as my thoughts get. When i type posts down normally i hide most shit behind cupcakes and rainbows. That's hyperbole ,e I'm happy . Sometimes. So like, if you see something I say with periods and caps and capz and stuff that's probably filtered! But this is true. This is real and true, and this is how im gonna write right my blog today. Wooo! Wooo hooooo. I love it, it's so fun, but proaably not to you. A conseuqence of writing like this is it takes a while and you sound like a luatincic. Fortunately, ive satisified that requirement that prerequisite allready, so ifeel better about it. My day was alright, it was okay actually pretty DOG SHIT fucking awful, i got scorned for a joke and lost everything, and worked on school for 9 years, and im tired, and i want to go to sleep, and everything hurts. I dont know what's wrong at this point, but i dont feel great. I just wanna curl up into a ball in cry, but i just quite cant because i cant cry i never do cry and i dont know why my body refuses to cry like hey man cant you fucking cry for once can you just you damn tear ducts just work for once and i dont see why you you wouldnt, it's clear as day, plain and easy, the weather is nice and int's hot side, it's , it's hout , it's hot outside wyh cant you cry? Why cant you cry to others to tell them youre sad? Why i will ask his until the end of my days. Anyways that's it bye.
God dammit, Theki I really just want to give you a big old hug.

You sound really unwell right now.

And you also kind of remind me of myself in a way.
teki. i am so sorry for what is going on with you rn. i wish i could help so badly
Day XX
Beep boop. Hello. I am theki. Today is a pretty good day. My drawing tablet is arriving this monday and I think I found the perfect song. I am happy. I might say more things later.
I'm glad you're happy today.
Update: I found a 16gb flash drive that was designed after a cat. I liked it. It was cute. But I found 4x the size way cheaper elsewhere, so I bought that instead. Remorse.
Er. I should probably already know this about you, Holly, but what day is your birthday on?
The eleventh. July 11. Save the date. I probably won't be entirely active on the site that day, but you may send birthday wishes regardless and I will be eternally thankful.
Thanks. If the time comes and my memory doesn't fail me, I'll be sure to wish you a happy birthday.
Day XX+16
None of you deserve the crap I throw at you. It sickens me more than it sickens you when I somehow have the mentality to turn around and speak like that without a care in the world. It makes it seem like I have nothing to lose when it's the polar opposite. At this point, I'm not even sure whether I should formally apologize to any of you because I just know this is gonna happen again and I'll have no control over it. Even despite that, I still regard what I did as gross and wrong and I'm not going to try to justify it. I'm a maniac, and that's just how I'll be. I'm trying to remedy this, but it's becoming a bigger problem in the process. If it happens again, please don't speak to me. Just ignore me. My blind rage will hopefully die off soon enough.

My brother's birthday was yesterday, and I thought the school day after that would be a good day to return to this site for a short while. Even despite that, I don't think I'll be staying long after this. Just a few posts is all you'll likely hear from me before I decide to leave the site. I'd rather stay away from this website. Clearly there are a lot of good people on it who are fun to talk to and are generally reasonable and compassionate, and sadly I don't fit in that category. You can say that sometimes I'm really nice to people and open to the opinions of others but that's solely temporary when you think about how I actually act. More than anything, I'm afraid that the way I act during those fits of rage is the real me. That this state I'm usually in is just the calm before the storm, and when it all goes away with some miracle cure, all I'll ever be is bitter and spiteful.

So, this is my formal announcement: I'm leaving this site until further notice. You can find me lurking around, maybe reading other posts once in a blue moon, but you won't hear from me. I hope every one of you can understand, and even if that's not the case, I just want to know that I love each and every one of you (as friends) and the positive impact you've had on my life is far too much to measure. I think I owe all of you something better than me being an awful person back. I'll get to work on that.

Until then, I bid you adieu.
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