ForumBlogs ► Theki/hoylecake's blog
We'll miss you, Hoyle.
  
dont you die without me, theki.
  
:(
  
have a good time out of twocans! I'd love to see you back soon
  
Hey, it's me, theki. Quick rant; this is copied-and-pasted from an older rant I did in Discord.

Sometimes i feel like i do no harm and them i just get dogpiled by completely random people, it's like it happens on a regular schedule and is jsut something I have to stick through. It usually ends in me fucking myself over and leaving whatever I'm involved in, and it's so hard to act against. The fact that it's a regular occurrence and its ability to fuck me over with no prior warning or caution completely fucks me over and I can't help but be paranoid. It's like everyone around me just completely misunderstands what's going on and either I'm the most sensical one in the room or I'm the least sensical and am just acting like I'm in the right. Sometimes I dont know why I do things. So much of the shit i do seems like a split second decision that gets immediately undermined by so many other factors. It's not something I can particularly explain with words, and it evokes a feeling that's not entirely troubling but still worries me and makes me anxious. I'm not used to being this anxious, and I'm sure this is because I'm going through a certain stage in my life where funny chemicals fuck over my brain and I become what I would assume to be a better and more sensical person. While I accept this explanation and see it as perfectly logical, I fail to ignore the fact that sometimes it seems like people ignore certain aspects; like they expect me to be the perfect example of a teenager going through the emotional perils of puberty, when I sincerely believe I'm vastly different in my own regard. One could argue that's alright, because everyone's different... but the nature of this difference is so "out there" that it feels wrong. It feels very wrong. I always see myself as one to be ridiculed by others, but in reality I'm the one ridiculing others. Whenever I attempt to speak out about my apparent douchebaggery and tendency to be a prick to others, I expect to have people tell me I'm not the one in the wrong. No matter how much I convince myself it's not that way, I always switch to the latter and believe in a perfect life. Getting a kick in the face from reality is amplified when I try to fabricate everything and make myself seem like the one in the right. It's human nature, isn't it? Of course I view myself as higher than others, and project my insecurities into every conversation; even if it conflicts with what I'm trying to speak about. When something bad happens, I either wait it out and watch it escalate, or butt in and just see how it goes. Some end well, some don't. I can respect the temporary nature of things and I'm fine with accepting that nothing is permanent. Eventually things will die, even the ones you love. That thought more so gives me comfort than disdain, because it's almost a bit calming knowing that the bad and unpleasant parts of reality aren't going to last forever. The friends you have will eventually leave you, either by life's own cruel volition, or by their own decision to stop associating with you. I can deal with this, and it doesn't bother me as much. I find it much more relaxing to see it as an inevitable fact, and to stop thinking about it. I feel like "stop thinking about it" is an answer to problems that is often ignored. Sometimes sympathizing makes things worse. Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and let go. Let these thoughts slip into your subconscious and attempt to remedy them. It works for me at least, but I can't be sure about any other people. Not everything I do is reacted to positively by others, and that's fine. A lot of things I do in life I simply regard as just... fine. I can deal with this, and I know I'm going to persevere eventually. This life is temporary. Nothing lasts forever. I believe in myself to accept this harsh fact and carry on with the cruel world that is reality. Life, the way she beats you down and torments you in her own demented ways. It's beautiful, and I'm so glad to be a part of it. Watching so many things unfold around you, like an intricate web of happenings that can't be tampered with, should you die trying. I'm always neutral on everything most of the time. I'm not an optimist, nor am I a pessimist. I fit right inbetween. I don't want to kill myself, but I also don't want to live anymore. I'm sure this will pass eventually. Of course it will. Everything does. And like most things I just deal with it. I try not to bother with the nooks and crannies of the world that terrify others, because I know it will terrify me. I am just as fragile as everyone else in this world, for better or for worse. My tendency to float around my thoughts and switch from one topic to another is detrimental, but I've learned to live with it. These things that stick with me all my life, that I try to convince people isn't just "angst", get ignored. I can understand why. Sometimes it's best to ignore it. To just listen to what they have to say, and stop trying to sympathize. No one will understand you, but that's not a bad thing. It just goes to show how wildly different you are from all the others. Your ability to charm and be charmed is entirely dependent on you and the way you act, which cannot be emulated by any other person. Life doesn't matter to me. It feels like an experiment more than anything, pushing those in it to the greatest lengths. Those who believe in a god are tossed around by atheists and non-believers, ridiculed and pampered by these false interpretations of these sacred texts they read ten-fold. Those who are happy must be content with the fact that they have nothing, and that this will all go to shit someday. Those who are upset are burdened by the attempts of others to help. Reaching the ceiling of tolerance is suicide. I don't view suicide as good or bad, like most things in this world. It's more of a last resort than anything, and I'm sure this ideology is subject to change. Maybe I'll have been killed by my own hands in the near future, should those I appreciate come to abandon me. At this moment, however, I'd rather not focus on the future and instead focus on my ability to trudge through the despicable parts of reality. Two words, huh? Life and reality. They feel so different, like life and reality are two different things. Like they're their own separate entity, with their own defining laws and structure that dictate everything that surrounds them... life is encapsulated in reality, and reality is encapsulated in the mind. The mind is encapsulated in life, which is encapsulated in reality. It's funny. It really is. I try all the time, and I can accept when I let others down. It's a vicious cycle that I'm learning to live with. Day by day, hour by hour, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't care about the good qualities of life, or the bad qualities. The feelings are temporary. They pass eventually. That, to me, is beautiful. Rant over.
  
Footnote: I did some a cappella for the first time. Voice kept cracking. Was a Radiohead song. Result was discordant and out-of-time, but it's a first. I've gotta start somewhere... right?
  
I am considering returning in full force. I just... feel like I should.

Things are getting better and I'm looking up more. I'm learning to deal with my problems, yet school has got me upset lately. But it's better than it was prior, and I think I'm ready to socialize again.

3-2-1...
  
Hello, Hoyle!
  
Holly, this question is a tad unrelated, but are you still studying toki pona? You seemed very interested in it, and I cannot help but wonder.
  
I recently shifted focus from it, but I have been maintaining faint interest in it since. I plan to get back into it once I finish this god-awful Roblox game I'm making. Screenshot below, cuz it's my blog and I'm Cule and I get to post screenshots of Weird Shit I Make.

Also, I bought myself this limited-stock plush:

As well as a Ralsei face mask. Because both of those things, are very awesome to me. Also my brother bought the official Ralsei plush which I've been wanting for a very long time. He's adding it to his collection (passing me by 2 plushies), but I'll see if I can buy the hatless version when it comes out to add to my collection. We cool, Sunny and I.
  
"39 buried, 0 found". I recognize this remark and love that it has been mentioned.

I should get back into Roblox so I can play that game once it is finished. May I do so, or is this crossing a line?
  
welcome back theki! missed you
  
I should get back into Roblox so I can play that game once it is finished. May I do so, or is this crossing a line?

You may do so. I have 3 games and they are all perfect masterpieces.
  
On another note, I bought and received a 128GB flash drive a while ago. It overheats extremely often, but I have a shit-ton of programs on it and I originally used it to test out a linux distro I used to like.

And today also begins my Steam Cookie Clicker adventure. Currently at a roadblock, causing me to grind to a halt, stuck at 5 billion cookies per second.
  
I missed my chance to join a multiple-artist song compilation in support of Ukraine last week. I could've taken part, but I didn't. It's all that's been on my head.
  
Happy Easter, y'all. Here's some Easter art of a webcomic I made that my friends made. The top one is made by my brother, and the bottom is made by my friend goom.


yes the green cat guy is the mascot i was talking about in tokoro
  
i like them
  
I'm working on a website that shares information about my music. Yeah, I make music. Nobody knows about it, but some of you will eventually.
  
hoylecake said:
And today also begins my Steam Cookie Clicker adventure. Currently at a roadblock, causing me to grind to a halt, stuck at 5 billion cookies per second.

Note: I am now at 110 nonillion cookies per second.
  
Theki, have you seen this?
  
I'm GOING,,,,, to OVERDOSE,,,,,, on NYQUIL,.,,.,, And YOu cant stop Me!
  
I know that’s a joke but please no one ever overdose on regular NyQuil or the generic. That’s called agony.
  
Okay, how about Dayquil?
  
whats it like
  
Theki, have you seen this?

...Oh my god. I don't have a Switch, but oh my god.

  • Simulates a PC and it looks really cool
  • Lets you do Yume 2kki stuff to the fake PC
  • I can finally replay the game without feeling guilty as hell
  • Spoiled the Solstice ending in the title alone

I don't know what to say. Oh my god. I'm buying a Switch.
  
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