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avant garde moovie
yes i know right super duper scary and interesting
i love whnen i get the motivation to draw i just wish it isnt only when imhorny
I would rather live in a world where QKThr remains underrated, unknown, and underappreciated, than one where it's a god damn TikTok meme. I might be biased, because I've never used TikTok in my entire life (in fact, I refuse to, because I care about my wellbeing), and as such can't tell what people are DOING with it, but come ooonn dude! The top comment on the song video for QKThr INFURIATES me. It asks for people to stop sharing their own unique interpretations of the song so that everyone can keep their own views of the meaning of the material to themselves.


Yes, I am swearing on a god damn motherfucking school Chromebook, and I don't care what it's going to do to me, and I don't care about the fact that this is going to be the only part of the post you people are going to pay attention to and quote to death making fun of it, I'm just so completely and utterly taken aback by this absolutely ungodly comment. THE ENTIRE FUCKING ESSENCE OF ART AND ARTISTIC EXPRESSION IS THE FACT THAT THE EMOTIONS A WORK ELICITS IS ENTIRELY SUBJECTIVE AND SHARING DIFFERENT INTERPRETATIONS OF AN ARTWORK IS IMPERATIVE TO LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE ARTIST BEHIND IT AND THE PERSON ANALYSING IT AND CRITIQUING IT. YOU ARE GOING AGAINST THE CORE FOUNDATIONS, THE GROUNDWORK, THE DEFINITION OF ART ITSELF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU THOUGHT SO MUCH OF YOURSELF THAT YOU FELT THE NEED TO MAKE THAT GODFORSAKEN REMARK?! JESUS CHRIST!!! And it's another one of those motherfucking TikTok kiddies that found the song from sadboy95285296236 posting some awful god damn anime clip on their for you page. I am so tired.

If anyone here listened to Drukqs before everything blew up... please talk to me. I need a friend.
I am determined to get this blog to a point where people actually speak in it. This is really just an abandoned rotten corpse of a blog more than anything else. First few pages are full of depression and everything after that is just useless miscellany.
I genuinely feel like I'm falling apart more and more with each passing day. Trying to help it but I really can't. I'm in a really, really awful state right now. Lost a record number of friends all within the past month. Brilliant. Plus the constant burn-out due to school. Honestly I've just lost the motivation to do absolutely anything at this point so I spend most of my day after school in bed because what is there to do now if it's not going to amount to anything? The most valuable thing I can do with my time right now that I actually want to do is sleep.
This thread (moreso the beginning) reads like Ame-chan's internal monologue in Needy Streamer Overload, just in a different field than streaming.
I suppose you're right.
i suppose you have to be in a very specific mood to write these things. i mean who the hell writes a strema fo consciousness while listening to justi n bieber right. and i hope my choice of my music isnt too entirely cliche because by itself ttyping this out giees me a lot of stress mainly because im too focused on my writing to go back and correctt typoes. and i notice a lot that whenever i set out on writing these things i end up spending more time talking about the pocess than what im actualy ytrying to discuss. but i dont think thats what im trying to discuss; dont think im trying to discuss anything right now other than what im doing at the moment. its like im becoming distracted. i havent been much for words recently. soial interactions seem to scare me these days because im afraid of messing up and losing another friend. all the firneds i do have are either suicidal or depressed and i have to wonder if its having a bad influence on my but its relaly the only friends i can talk to. i dont want to go back and correct these typos because i dont have the time for it. its like ive just lost the drive for everything. used to i could keep an inteest for a week or two maybe more. now it just lasts a day. and im wondering where it all ewnt wrong . if theres something wrong with me that needs to be addresse.d. because im scared. honest to god i am scared. i dont know what is going to happen next. it all has to converge to a single point at least some day. if the only way i can go from here is down what happens when i hit the bottom? and i dont want to think of that. and im thinking and hoping that something may or may or may not save my ass before i ge tto that point but i cant trust myself to let it because with al i know i could have had a bajillion opportunities now and just let them all Slip away because i never nticed them or was too busy to take action. may third. may third is the day i die. not myself but just every part of me. its all going to come crashig down on that day. and it has some significance to me of which im not going to tell. its not suicide if thats what you think. thats just the day im worried about the most. because thats the day where everything demands of me more attention and things start to be too late . and it expects that i will be ready to tackle everything but i never well be. i reckon i could do trhese things if i tried but i always find myself proving that wrong. so i have no reason to think that my optimism is worth thinking about because i alaways prove myself wrong. there is really nothing to be optimistic about. im just glad i have two friends who i can talk to a lot. one gets to acting soulless when hes on his meds (whch happens a lot) so i can seldom talk to him. the other is another person who i like and he doesnt take meds as far as i can tell but he seems to be in the exact situatiion as me.a nmd i guess sympathy is important. but i need someone who can help me. and im too tired to search now. i guess weekends are my only reprieve but nothiong really hapens on those days as far as i can tell. ive tried to take note of the interesting things that occur on weekends. on weekdays, okay, sure, i go to school and i get home and slepe. on weekdays its not much differnet except i have schol. i wake uo and i get on the cmputer. maybe i play a few games or make something programming related. take a break every so often to take a nap or jerk off or whatever i feel like doing. and then at night i sleep. usually id stay up real late just because i dont have enough time to do everything i want to but now im going to sleep way way earleir like at 9pm. because theres nothing for me to do anymore. lts just end the day early because there is nothing left for me here. and hopefully in sleep i can get the solace ive been wanting evne if its only for 10 hours or so. and i usually wake up near noon no matter how early i go to sleep. and then the hwole thing starts again. my mom and dad are living in georgia. i cant see them nor can i talk to them. so im stuck here with my brother and my grandmother. my brother is learning how to dtrive and i feel happy for him. got his licence hte other day. i watched him drive around the playground for a bit and it loked cool and i was happy for him but honestly for the most part i was browsing pinterest the entire time because i didnt want to interrupt with anything by mistake. they turned on the splash pad there andi might go there sometime. but the end of school is coming - around a month away from now and so i dont have any off days (except weekednds) until the end of school comes. and then what happens next. im just kind of meh about everything. thjings are starting to becoming boring. everything is. honestly not sure what to do.
Too many words
Yeah, of course it's too many god damn words. Fuck off.
...well, looks like he's gone too...
what happened
My friend of four years, right? The one I had a crush on for, like, six months? Well... yeah... I told him that I didn't enjoy his company as much anymore and wished to no longer be friends. He, like, sent me ~40 messages or so explaining how much he hated me. And I feel like dying.
why did you tell him that
Because I wanted to be free of him. And as upset as I am over it, it's good for me because he was incredibly unhealthy for me. I am liberated of him.
He lied to me the entire time. He outright told me that whenever I said things about myself that were generally self-deprecating he lied to me just to prevent me from nagging him further. And I don't blame him at all, but I wish he would have at least told me I was doing something wrong before everything went to shit. I never knew that I was a nuisance to him, and I wish I could have been a good friend while I still had the chance. And now I only have one person I can talk to now who I'm truly able to trust and confide in. But I'm okay with this. Maybe this is just the natural progression of things. But I feel so defeated. Just a few days before I asked him if he wanted to play a game, or something, and apologised for not being an actual friend and just using him as a punching bag to whine about random things to. And he never even acknowledged my request. I guess I don't blame him. I ruined our friendship beyond repair. I don't think there was any way to change the circumstances at that point. Me leaving him and asking him to tell the truth was necessary because we were both so stagnant as friends and I wanted to get out of the shitstorm as soon as I felt better. I know for certain there was no chance we were ever going to be real friends after all that I did, and I'm never going to be able to get back to him or confide in him now, and it really is my fault, and I'm confident that that's the case. And I want to say that I'm okay with all this, that this will benefit me in the long run. But I don't even know. I'm lost. I am so lost.
I'm scared, because I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't know what to do other than to isolate myself in my room all day, because at least that way with there being no people to talk to I won't risk completely fucking up everything like I always do. I just want this to be over already. He called me a porn addict and as funny as that might be to some people it really damages me because that's the exact opposite of what I wanted to be seen as. And I wanted to rebuke him and tell him that I didn't want to be like that in any way and that I wasn't like that, and that I'm sorry if I was, but I just didn't and still don't have the willpower to talk to him. He needs time now. I've been enough of a nuisance already.
I am a lost cause in my eyes. I don't see the point in continuing to live. I'm not going to kill myself, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. Life just doesn't have a point anymore.
At this point I feel like thinking I'll ever have peace of mind is a lost cause. I am constantly under overwhelming amounts of stress it's starting to affect me physically like it has been for the past two years. I just want to catch a break, man. I don't even know what being in peace feels like anymore. I've forgotten.
It would be really, really cool if people... read this blog. I don't really see the point in putting my thoughts into a thread that nobody pays attention to.
Sneaky little spies come into your blog, read things, think "hm, I am thinking thoughts about this and it is cool", and leave. Shy little spies. Never speak. It's my belief they come from the mud down west.
At least people interact with you on your blog. Here it's just me and my thoughts most of the time. I would appreciate some input. Or pity, maybe.
I've been summoned!
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