Two Cans & String

{ "thread_id": "107", "posts": [ { "id": "770", "time": "1295931411", "html": "I think this forum needs a place where we can write just poetry and comment on each others. I'll start.<br />\n<br />\n<br />\nWhile you watch my chest heave<br />\nAs this last breath leaves me<br />\nKnow that I have found peace<br />\nThe serenity I could not find in life<br />\nI have finally found by following the light<br />\nAnd now its my turn to burn<br />\n<br />\nAs the flames lick my skin they envelop me in warmth<br />\nAs my skin burns pictures of people I knew pass by<br />\nYour picture lingers until you're stnading there<br />\n<br />\nI reach out to touch you but you walk away<br />\nLeaving me once again on my own<br />\nBut instead of the rain you're leaving me in the flame", "user": "whovian" }, { "id": "1484", "time": "1295992682", "html": "Whovian, I think your poetry could benefit from structure, but otherwise it's good.<br />\n<br />\nCame time to pay the tithe<br />\nAnd all had come from near and far<br />\nTo meet beneath an autumn star<br />\nAnd pay their tribute to the Queen<br />\n<br />\nThe kobolds from their mountain caves<br />\nThe goblins from their new dug graves<br />\nThe silent elves from tree and sprout<br />\nThe pukas from a dying shout<br />\nAll to pay the tithe<br />\n<br />\nThe hags flew in from crumbling keep<br />\nAnd woke the dryads from their sleep<br />\nCame the brownies, with a smile<br />\nCame the bogarts, filled with guile<br />\nAll to pay the tithe<br />\n<br />\nIn glided pixies, green of skin<br />\nAnd in swam selkies, cold of fin<br />\nIn marched the red caps to the drums<br />\nBeat on by knotted ogre thumbs<br />\nAll to pay the tithe<br />\n<br />\nEach kobold gave its first born son<br />\nEach goblin all that he had won<br />\nEach elf a single acorn seed<br />\nEach puka thoughts of hate and greed<br />\nAll had paid the tithe<br />\n<br />\nEach hag brought cuts of strong sinew<br />\nEach dryad drops of bottled dew<br />\nEach brownie gave thread and needle<br />\nEach bogart came with black beetle<br />\nAll had paid the tithe<br />\n<br />\nEach pixie gave the stuff of dreams<br />\nEach selkie mud from sacred streams<br />\nEach redcap blood from soldiers slain <br />\nEach ogre chunks of human brain<br />\nAll had paid the tithe<br />\n<br />\nCame time to pay the tithe<br />\nAnd all had come from near and far<br />\nTo meet beneath an autumn star<br />\nAnd pay their tribute to the Queen", "user": "sirbob" }, { "id": "1542", "time": "1295995500", "html": "The Waltz<br />\n<br />\nThe Angel swoops on wings of sin,<br />\nHis smile lies reassurance.<br />\nWe dance to ballads in minor keys,<br />\nHis feathers drift to cover the truth.<br />\n<br />\n<br />\nI shut my eyes whilst my Angel led,<br />\nShuffled unwilling to music sour, never sweet.<br />\nThe chords struck as hammers on glass,<br />\nAnd my blood seeped clear from the rends.<br />\n<br />\n<br />\nThe Angel's wings, of Anansi's own silk,<br />\nSealed me in his words macabre.<br />\nOur sonatas play unceasing,<br />\nNow I answer only to Lucifer's call.", "user": "rainingonyourparade" }, { "id": "1617", "time": "1295998884", "html": "I've never had good structure in my poetry. I also prefer it not to rhyme. I have one that I have to find because my Speech class raved about it.", "user": "whovian" }, { "id": "1668", "time": "1296000993", "html": "Many of the poems I write are:<br />\n\u2022 AABBC format<br />\n\u2022 Lines are usually 7-8 syllables with one that ends a verse with far less.<br />\n<br />\nI'm a very technical writer.", "user": "sophrosyne" }, { "id": "1673", "time": "1296001373", "html": "<div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/sophrosyne\">Sophrosyne</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">I'm a very technical writer.</div></div><br />I never would have guessed. \ud83d\ude1b", "user": "joetom" }, { "id": "1699", "time": "1296002539", "html": "Sarcasm?<br />\nBy technical, I mean that I follow writing outlines strictly, whether I create them or not.", "user": "sophrosyne" }, { "id": "1717", "time": "1296003308", "html": "My stuff usually never ryhmes. The one from my Speech class does, but that's because the teacher made us.", "user": "whovian" }, { "id": "1718", "time": "1296003316", "html": "I personally enjoy writing in iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter with the occasional trochaic switch.", "user": "sirbob" }, { "id": "1743", "time": "1296004189", "html": "I rather like your poem there, sirbob. Some of the rhythms and rhymes in a couple of lines feel a bit... off, but it's still good.", "user": "thenagain" }, { "id": "1752", "time": "1296004463", "html": "I just don't care for the iambic rhymes because I hate having to use awkward words to finish my lines and stanzas.", "user": "whovian" }, { "id": "1819", "time": "1296007018", "html": "Yeah, it can get sort of strange.<br />\n<br />\nAnd thank you, ThenAgain. It is a bit off, so here's one that's somewhat similar in meter, but slightly less off,<br />\n<br />\n<br />\nThrough blood and through fire<br />\nThough the danger be dire<br />\nThe Royal Dragoons will ride swift<br />\nIn the hearts of our foes<br />\nOur shouts will raise ire<br />\nAs the souls of our men they uplift<br />\n<br />\nOur formations pristine<br />\nIn the name of the Queen<br />\nWe\u2019ll ride to the heart of the fray<br />\nOur sabers will glow<br />\nWith the bloodiest sheen<br />\nAs our valor delivers the day<br />\n<br />\nGunfire be damned<br />\nAs we charge over land<br />\nNot a man of us breaks from the fight<br />\nFor we\u2019re true and we\u2019re brave<br />\nAnd with weapons in hand<br />\nOur army\u2019s chances look bright<br />\n<br />\nTo us death\u2019s a sport<br />\nAnd to cut a life short<br />\nIs no worse then kicking a ball<br />\nThe clashing of steel<br />\nAnd the cannon\u2019s report<br />\nAre as cheers of a crowd to us all<br />\n<br />\nThrough blood and through fire<br />\nThough the danger be dire<br />\nThe Royal Dragoons will ride swift<br />\nIn the hearts of our foes<br />\nOur shouts will raise ire<br />\nAs the souls of our men they uplift", "user": "sirbob" }, { "id": "2849", "time": "1296096628", "html": "Love:<br />\n<br />\nYou told me you loved me<br />\nI said it back<br />\nOur love stung like a bee<br />\nAnd had no lack<br />\n<br />\nAt the first sign of trouble<br />\nYou turned and fled<br />\nI stood there in the rubble<br />\nAs I cried and I bled<br />\n<br />\nNow you act like nothing is wrong<br />\nYou ignore me as if I\u2019m not there<br />\nThis has been going on for too long<br />\nI feel as if there is no more air<br />\n<br />\nMost would blame you<br />\nBut I don\u2019t know that I can<br />\nI feel a bit blue<br />\nMost days I wish to be hit by a van<br />\n<br />\nOne day I\u2019ll feel better<br />\nBut right now I can\u2019t<br />\nSo I\u2019ll write how I feel in a letter<br />\nIt\u2019ll look like a rant<br />\n<br />\nAnd then I\u2019ll burn it<br />\nAnd forget all about you<br />\nIt\u2019s time for me to quit<br />\nBecause you\u2019re no longer my glue", "user": "whovian" }, { "id": "3118", "time": "1296117124", "html": "<span style=\"font-weight:bold;\">If I\u2019m The Flower, Then You\u2019re A Gallon of Miracle Gro Weed-B-Gon</span><br />\n<br />\nI am the flower [petalling through] on my bike, photosynthesized from your light that\u2019s scattering through peridot that glints uselessly in the wake of your grassy eyes that glaze over until portals appear and guide me by way of blurred candlelight in the same way those theatre bulbs guided me back to the seat where we then proceeded to profess our love with lips unspeaking. I watch as those sea green fronds grow and contract into the deep onyx centrifuge and run into a tree. Only to fall off my bike and onto you - discovering that the road maps in your eyes are now just tarry skies - starless and uninteresting. I remember when we wrote that beautiful story acted out in the auditorium of your irises, but now its become a hollow shell of flat characters and bad pacing - losing its ability to captivate me and tranquilize my powerful hands. Now they\u2019ve been lost to you - an upheaval of earth in your garden of eden.<br />\n<br />\nBursting into sun<br />\nyou grow ivy \u2018cross my eyes -<br />\nrooting yourself there.<br />\n<br />\n<span style=\"font-style:italic;\">This is a haibun I wrote for a poetry challenge. This isn't the final draft because the final draft got lost somewhere in the sands of time. Tell me what you think? (:</span>", "user": "thestorythief" }, { "id": "3190", "time": "1296129918", "html": "I like that :D And it has introduced me to the haibun!", "user": "thenagain" }, { "id": "15481", "time": "1296542212", "html": "anyone know any good slam poets?", "user": "righteouspugs" }, { "id": "15493", "time": "1296545194", "html": "Cathexis is shit,<br />\nmy prolix is worse,<br />\nyour name has an X,<br />\nlike all of these words.", "user": "k" }, { "id": "20198", "time": "1297127481", "html": "<span style=\"font-weight:bold;\">The End of All Importance</span><br />\n<br />\nMeaning stalks on velvet paws, <br />\nStopping to snatch at innocent souls.<br />\nIt rearanges the compass to its own device,<br />\nLeading unknowing victims to dubious goals.<br />\n<br />\nSpectres are robbed of all decision,<br />\nTheir lives no longer are their own-<br />\nThe hearts and homes are lit now<br />\nBy an electric sun. <br />\n<br />\nThe gods are false and dreams are lies;<br />\nPeople don\u2019t exist. In the forest built of life,<br />\nMeaning would have us all pretend:<br />\nSanity is meaning, and the truth is found within.<br />\n<br />\nThe Shadow in darkness watches me now,<br />\nIts teeth are bared in a smile.<br />\nStories tell me it is real, <br />\nBut stories are made of hope.<br />\n<br />\nIf the world were a lie,<br />\nIf people were ghosts,<br />\nIf it were all imagination,<br />\nWould not this be the ultimate salvation?", "user": "rainingonyourparade" }, { "id": "21144", "time": "1297284628", "html": "^ I liked it. The first two stanzas really reminded me of T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock" and there's something in the tone that's a bit reminiscent of "The Wasteland" though certainly a lot less formal and convoluted.", "user": "randite" }, { "id": "23108", "time": "1297618010", "html": "You, like the poison in my veins,<br />\nBlackening my lungs like cigarette smoke...<br />\nBut still I can't walk away,<br />\nThough maybe it's for the best.", "user": "never" }, { "id": "23118", "time": "1297619861", "html": "I think the first line would be better without the "like" and the second with the "...". Also, <br />\nthe last lines both use connectives, and it doesn't seem to flow. Maybe restructure?<br />\nYou could maybe add in some more lines between the 3rd and 4th to add more context to the final line.<br />\nBasically, I thnk there's too many words that aren't carrying concepts/images, just...words.", "user": "thenagain" }, { "id": "24609", "time": "1297819970", "html": "At Decline of Day.<br />\n<br />\nA sprite of lithe light dances<br />\nIts last to a whisper of wind's fun,<br />\nWhen manic Winter applies to it's canvas<br />\nThe gleams of a grateful sun.<br />\n<br />\nAn unspecific pane pops and crackles,<br />\nAnd gathers pace, sound and light from<br />\nSilence of mind and evening shackles,<br />\nWhen stirs little in house and home.<br />\n<br />\nShadows, fed by time and loss growing<br />\nOn walls nourished by neither,<br />\nGarner in their bowing,<br />\nApplause of raining weather.<br />\n<br />\nEvening tyres, with heavy sighs, pass by,<br />\nWhile drainpipes operatically sing,<br />\nAll the songs they know of joy -<br />\nBrowned concrete, marble sky, sunless wings.<br />\n<br />\nIn the midst of shrouding shadows<br />\nWhere tined and tentacled trees stitch<br />\nSeam's of light, daytime narrows,<br />\nAnd darkness drops to its noisome pitch.", "user": "landravager" }, { "id": "25041", "time": "1297866449", "html": "I like that, is good. The 3rd stanza is a bit... awkward, but the rest flows nicely.<br />\nI especially like "Browned concrete, marble sky, sunless wings."", "user": "thenagain" }, { "id": "25059", "time": "1297870126", "html": "<span style=\"font-style:italic;\">Rising Tide.</span><br />\n<br />\nFrighteningly<br />\nErratic<br />\nAren\u2019t they?<br />\nRises in the tide.<br />\n<br />\nThey<br />\nEnvelope you and I.<br />\nRising,<br />\nRising.<br />\nOh, they inch ever closer.<br />\nRising, Rising.<br />\n<br />\nDark waves come closer.<br />\nRising.<br />\nEach breath we take now is but<br />\nA dismissal of our coming<br />\nDestiny.<br />\n<br />\nHere we meet our end,<br />\nOr at least something resembling an end.<br />\nRising,<br />\nRising.<br />\nOpen wide and breathe deep the dark water.<br />\nRising, Rising.", "user": "ninjaofcloud" }, { "id": "25358", "time": "1297914582", "html": "Bravo, sir. You are the FIRST poet I've ever read, outside of George Herbert, who could manage to make a pattern poem emotionally evocative. Truly well done.<br />\n<br />\nEdit - Did you mean meet our destiny or as it was written?", "user": "randite" } ], "users": { "whovian": { "name": "Whovian", "key": "whovian", "url": "/users/whovian", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "5716" }, "sirbob": { "name": "sirbob", "key": "sirbob", "url": "/users/sirbob", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "48" }, "rainingonyourparade": { "name": "RainingOnYourParade", "key": "rainingonyourparade", "url": "/users/rainingonyourparade", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "4748" }, "sophrosyne": { "name": "Sophrosyne", "key": "sophrosyne", "url": "/users/sophrosyne", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/3473.png", "rankClass": "comrade", "rankText": "АДМИНИСТРАТОР", "posts": "3499" }, "joetom": { "name": "joetom", "key": "joetom", "url": "/users/joetom", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/23117.png", "rankClass": "admin", "rankText": "Admin", "posts": "7643" }, "thenagain": { "name": "ThenAgain", "key": "thenagain", "url": "/users/thenagain", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "1440" }, "thestorythief": { "name": "TheStoryThief", "key": "thestorythief", "url": "/users/thestorythief", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "8" }, "righteouspugs": { "name": "RighteousPugs", "key": "righteouspugs", "url": "/users/righteouspugs", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "6" }, "k": { "name": "K", "key": "k", "url": "/users/k", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/1314.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "5450" }, "randite": { "name": "randite", "key": "randite", "url": "/users/randite", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "49" }, "never": { "name": "Never", "key": "never", "url": "/users/never", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "4398" }, "landravager": { "name": "Landravager", "key": "landravager", "url": "/users/landravager", "avatar": "/images/white.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "2" }, "ninjaofcloud": { "name": "Ninja_of_Cloud", "key": "ninjaofcloud", "url": "/users/ninjaofcloud", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/1412.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "2855" } }, "page_num": 1, "locked": 0, "total_pages": 45 }

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