ForumRelationships and Stuff ► Trouble with understanding people
hey, ever since i was little ive had a lot of problems understanding how the hell people work and think. i know how i think, and i used to make images of myself and my way of thinking and place them on other people , but that's never worked in my favor. i was never really social with individuals as a kid or a teen. i used to run my own little school clubs when i was young and i was great at managing people and talking to groups, but i just cannot seem to keep individuals in my circle of friends. its come to the point where i have literally no friends and no one i can really depend on to have my back when i need help with things. ive had more people with sexual/romantic interest in me than ive had friends, and im a guy. i just dont understand what makes people tick in that sense and it really bothers me. does anyone have any advice? a routine i can follow or things to look out for? thanks for any responses. cheers.
  
1. Try getting a therapist or psychologist or whoever’s in charge of helping with the development of social skills for special people to help you.
I am NOT a professional, but I think your social ineptitude is something that probably needs that type of attention.
2. Pay attention to how people react and socialize to others. Learn how the rest of the world socializes before trying to assert how you think it should work.
Or, how the world near you socializes.
Learn what is acceptable and what isn’t, and go from there.
  
I had somewhat underdeveloped social skills when I was younger. The good news (barring some social disorders) is that social skills are just that: skills. You can learn them, practice them, and improve upon them. I've gotten better with self-reflection and lots and lots of practice.

I can't tell you that this advice will work for you, or for anyone, or even that this advice is helpful, but if I had to go back 15 years and give advice to myself, this is what I would say:
1) Don't take everything you do too seriously. It's hard to ruin something irreparably in just one interaction. Try to let go of or ignore your nervousness. Even if you do alienate some people, it's not the end of the world, or even the end of your social life. It's like when you learn how to drive and you freak out at every single car coming the opposite direction. The possibility of faux pas or missteps is something you can get comfortable with, with exposure.
2) Offer yourself forgiveness for your screw-ups. You're going to screw up. You can either dwell, or you can learn your lessons and move on. Getting caught in a feedback loop of self-hate is very easy and also not great for your mental health.
3) Seek balanced relationships. It can be very uncomfortable being on the other end from desperation. It's also frustrating to put a ton of emotional energy into a relationship with someone who doesn't care that much. If you realize you're getting much more out of a relationship than someone else, or you're a lot more invested, that's a sign to take a step back and re-evaluate. It's not fair to throw yourself at others like they're a life preserver. They're trying to tread water, too.
4) Spend time with people. Even just like, eating lunch in silence together can build a sense of familiarity and comfort. Not everything has to be meaningful or significant. Sometimes people just want someone nearby while they study. Friendships are built on lots and lots of little interactions.

That being said, I'm a (fairly) neurotypical person. My experiences and successes may be very different from those who do have diagnoses. If you have a hurt ankle, you might go to a doctor to get it checked out. If you're having consistent problems interacting with other people, I'd go visit a psychiatrist/psychologist in the same way. People need check-ups on their mental health, too.
  
Wyyca21 said:

I dont really have the money to go to a psychologist, and i usually observe people so much that by the time i try talking to people it comes off as almost robotic and nobody really likes it. thanks for the advice though
  
Coldfrost said:
I had somewhat underdeveloped social skills when I was younger. The good news (barring some social disorders) is that social skills are just that: skills. You can learn them, practice them, and improve upon them. I've gotten better with self-reflection and lots and lots of practice.

i dont think i have any real mental issues. i try to understand people, but the results i get after saying things just vary so much and i dont really know how or why these things happen. people usually just stop talking to me because they can tell that i dont really get them and they dont get me. i used to think that the area i lived in was just populated with people that were different from me, but by now ive encountered people from all over the world and now i can tell that its just something to do with me
like if i hear a funny joke that makes me laugh a lot, i tell it, and then nobody laughs. i dont really feel ashamed, i just kind of feel upset that the people around me dont laugh or enjoy the same things that i do. i feel like i dont belong and it kind of sucks because its been going on for so long. ill try study more closely how people interact with each other. when i do i kind of feel like a weirdo lol
  
ediepie said:
i dont think i have any real mental issues
I am socially inept and can still fully function in society without handicaps.
Publicly, at least.
ediepie said:
like if i hear a funny joke that makes me laugh a lot, i tell it, and then nobody laughs. i dont really feel ashamed, i just kind of feel upset that the people around me dont laugh or enjoy the same things that i do.
I would think that’s more because of social standing than that the humor of the joke.
Or lack of context.
Or just weird sense of humor. I know most jokes tend to fall flat on me.
ediepie said:
i dont really feel ashamed, i just kind of feel upset that the people around me dont laugh or enjoy the same things that i do. i feel like i dont belong and it kind of sucks because its been going on for so long
I’m also quite lonely. Even though I have people I care about and who care about me, it still kinda feels like the only one who knows me and likes me.
There’s probably someone who shares the same interests as you. Perhaps not the same attitude towards it, but same interest.
ediepie said:
ill try study more closely how people interact with each other. when i do i kind of feel like a weirdo lol
I mean, a little bit more weirdness is worth it if it helps you not be super weird later.
...right?
  
Wyyca21 said:
I’m also quite lonely. Even though I have people I care about and who care about me, it still kinda feels like the only one who knows me and likes me.
There’s probably someone who shares the same interests as you. Perhaps not the same attitude towards it, but same interest.

yeah hopefully i'll be able to find someone who thinks the same way i do. ive just met so many people that im starting to think that i have met those people, but i just havent picked up on the way they are or their similarities with me
  
I think you shouldn’t judge people so much, don’t focus so much in understanding them. I understand you in a way.

Perhaps you could in the future when you make a friend don’t depend too much on them so they don’t let you down, and don’t expect much from them friendships grow with time can’t have it all at start :) hope this helps
  
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