Two Cans & String

{ "thread_id": "11586", "posts": [ { "id": "1178190", "time": "1637020184", "html": "I need help understanding a few things about what everyone out in the community does to monitor, care for, or help with their mental & sexual health. Specifically the relationship between the two. I think this is a good conversation to have regardless, but of course I have my own concerns to start us off. <br /><br />I've always really struggled with past trauma, infidelity or even having thoughts about imagined infidelity, my inadequacy, or my body-image issues coming up during sex. <br /><br />My main issue is that I'm insecure about my body. I have good days, but any day that is not good is neutral or bad and I'm mostly incapable of having sex on those days. I am a larger person both in height and size, I could call myself chubby and not be too upset about it normally but not in a sexual situation. This alone is probably something most heavier people identify with, no matter where your fat builds. Mine builds everywhere, but I can feel it acutely when I'm feeling insecure. I struggle greatly having to be on top if I'm not in a perfect mental place for it. I will ask for the lights off, his glasses to be off, him to close his eyes, etc. Last time I was on top, I felt my inner thighs pinching painfully so I started freaking out about how fat that made me feel and had to stop because I started crying. So sexy lol. Of course my partner loves my body and me and tried to be encouraging/accommodating but it's all internal for me. On top of these constant physical concerns, I'm just a stress ball for all sorts of personal reasons (new job, new house, family issues), so I know it's normal to struggle in the bedroom when you're stressed, but I hate it. I used to love sex with my partner so much, but now I either have to repeat mantras in my head to avoid intrusive thoughts about chores, moving, tasks, insecurities, etc. Or if I'm calm enough to not need that, my body physically won't become aroused as much anymore. Especially knowing (due to a hip injury my partner is dealing with) I probably have to be on top. Maybe just other position suggestions would be good in this thread to be honest, but I can't think of many sex positions without hip movement. <br /><br />Point is that my mental state is just so difficult to deal with when it's affecting my arousal or my enjoyment every single time. I don't just mean not enough "arousal" because that's fine, we have lube, whatever. I mean my brain is telling me "sex sounds nice" and my body makes me feel empty or disassociated from the action happening to the point where it doesn't make me feel anything. I think it might be my birth control considering my placebo weeks are a lot better sexually, but you kind of need birth control to feel comfortable having sex at all, so that's not much of an option.<br /><br />Any advice, experiences, support, questions, concerns, would all be appreciated. I miss sex so much. I want it to feel good again, feel effortless and easy, and I just can't get there.<br /><br />I also really, really want this to be a place everyone can come to talk these issues out together. These are uncomfortable and vulnerable subjects for most people, so we should all be as supportive as possible, especially if we don't fully understand someone's situation.", "user": "tinmansgirl27" }, { "id": "1178195", "time": "1637021421", "html": "I think most people on this site who know me know that I've been unable to have sex for a long time. And not because I don't want to. My own self-image of my body as a body type that I don't even identify with is definitely a big part of the equation, although my particular sexual hangups predate my body image problems by a few years. I haven't been able to successfully date anyone in about sixteen years. There are plenty of reasons why I stopped being sexually active, but finding myself sexually repulsive, and bring incredulous that anyone else actually is attracted to me is currently a major roadblock.", "user": "scoggles" }, { "id": "1178208", "time": "1637023670", "html": "Tinny, I'm gonna tell you something. Firstly, I know that you want to look good for you. You want to be comfortable in your own eyes. That's something a lot of guys don't get. They think women want to look nice for them. "You don't need make-up, I like you w/o it". I know that y'all want to look nice for y'all. So I'm not gonna say you shouldn't feel this way if your partner says he likes the way you look, because you want to like the way you look.<br /><br />But I will say this: A ton of dudes are really attracted to chubby or thick women. I'd say more do than don't. Especially as they get older. It's more to play with. More to grab and squeeze. I myself love thick thighs and some belly on women. I've had partners of all dif shapes and I love it all and a lot of guys I know are the same.<br /><br />Again I know this doesn't mean anything if you feel a certain way about yourself, but if you're worried about what guys think, odds are they're telling the truth if they say they like the way you look.", "user": "srilankandevilbird" }, { "id": "1178221", "time": "1637030372", "html": "You definitely hit the nail on the head with the idea that it's not about how other people see me. He can be fantastic at making me feel good about myself, but ultimately I need to like how I feel/look in the important moments.<br /><br />Scoggles, your post breaks my heart. I almost cried reading it. You have to be comfortable with yourself to be able to enjoy sex. But, if you're repulsed or grossed out by yourself it's an even worse feeling. I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with your self image for so long. Obviously I can relate to some extent based on my post, but it's clearly not to the same extent. Do you do therapy or anything? Or what do you do to cope with it, or ignore it, etc? Have relationships become less of a priority for you or are you still hoping you can move towards a healthier version of them that works for you?", "user": "tinmansgirl27" }, { "id": "1178224", "time": "1637030714", "html": "I'm still sort of under the illusion that I can still get my life under control, and I'm using that to motivate myself to help change the things about myself that I physically or aesthetically do not not like. I want to be loved and desired at least as much as anyone I know, and I do crave physical, sexual contact with another human person more than just about any other driving force in my life. But if I ever get close to that with someone, I tend to self-sabotage. It took until fairly recently for me to recognize and analyze my own patterns of behavior. Something I'm still working on.", "user": "scoggles" }, { "id": "1178235", "time": "1637044458", "html": "You have an unkind inner voice. You judge yourself too harshly. You need to actively argue with yourself inside your head.<br />Treat the intrusive, insecure thoughts the way you would someone you care about . Ie...your best friend.<br />Example.<br />Intrusive thought: my thighs are fat...I'm ugly<br />You respond inside your head like this...girl you know Cardi B paid money for fat thighs. You got them for free.<br />Jokes aside. Say something like this. You're thighs are beautiful and thick and they work hard to get to where you need to be.<br /><br />^I know this seems stupid but eventually your intrusive thought will become kind intrusive thoughts. <br /><br />You could try meditating to deal with stress, or an ashwaganda supplement.<br /><br />Also, sexually you have the choice to totally remove yourself from the equation. You can build a sexual fantasy in your mind in which you are a bystander (even though you are participating) and not a participant. Does that make sense?<br />The person who is having sex is no longer you but a naughty bartender name Jessica and your partner is whoever. And the thing that are happening are happening to jessica, not you. You can build a story in your head. It will help keep you engaged.", "user": "sunshinedust" }, { "id": "1178237", "time": "1637050892", "html": "Woah, woah, woah.<br /><br />There's roleplay and then there's actively practicing dissociation/depersonalisation in the bedroom.<br />Mentally removing yourself as a participant sounds like something one does to get through a traumatic experience and likely will not encourage a healthy dialogue.", "user": "jestkukolka" }, { "id": "1178240", "time": "1637061497", "html": "Also, no indication if that was directed at OP or me, the most recent commenter, but I've never thought of myself as a naughty bartender named Jessica before, and I don't think it would help.", "user": "scoggles" }, { "id": "1178269", "time": "1637080103", "html": "Can I ask if you've tried just focusing on physical intimacy and touch as opposed to actually having sex? Maybe try a night where, rather than having sex as an end goal, you simply focus on touching one another, feeling each other, and comfort/closeness. Removing the pressure to have sex, the fear of having to be on top and worrying about how you'll feel there, may be really helpful.<br /><br />For sex itself, do you think that laying on your side might work? That way you can sort of grind back against him, and if he wants to get engaged as well, then less motion is required from him and his hips are supported by the bed too.<br /><br />How do you feel about masturbation, also? If you aren't doing so regularly, it may also help you feel comfortable with your body sexually? Just getting used to yourself in a solo sexual scenario might help you become more accustomed to that headspace and feel more comfortable with a partner.<br /><br />It's also totally an option to not do PIV sex with a partner and instead focusing on using your hands both on yourself and your partner too, especially since this removes the issue with his hip injury! You can also transition to doing this if you are on top and find yourself becoming uncomfortable and don't want to stop sex but do want to stop being on top.", "user": "eriophora" }, { "id": "1178272", "time": "1637080439", "html": "<div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/kukolka\">kukolka</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">There's roleplay and then there's actively practicing dissociation/depersonalisation in the bedroom.<br />Mentally removing yourself as a participant sounds like something one does to get through a traumatic experience and likely will not encourage a healthy dialogue.</div></div><br />I agree with Jest here. That might cause more problems than solutions. Removing myself mentally from a sexual situation I'm already feeling incredibly removed from doesn't seem like the best solution for me. I do appreciate you contributing your opinion, I just think it wouldn't be a good idea for me. Part of my body's natural reaction to the anxiety/insecurities has naturally been that disassociation and it's made sex so much worse. Even the little worries and anxieties are easier to address with a short break and conversation. It's hard to encourage your body to react to something. Also don't exactly think I could picture my partner having sex with someone else without freaking out either haha<br /><br />(Edit: @Eri- this was similar to your suggestion and it went very well) <br />You guys helped me start a conversation last night with him where we just took it really slow and I kinda realized it's that my feelings with sex boils down to feeling like I'm a tool, or I'm there for everyone else's enjoyment and my own enjoyment makes me really uncomfortable. So if I think I look ugly/fat then I'll feel like I'm not good enough to do what I'm supposed to do and I can't ignore that long enough to enjoy myself because I don't really care about my own enjoyment most of the time. I wonder if this is a normal result of youth sexual trauma, or the way we talk to women about sex, or if I have other things contributing to this subconscious mindset.<br /><br /><div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/scoggles\">Scoggles</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">But if I ever get close to that with someone, I tend to self-sabotage. It took until fairly recently for me to recognize and analyze my own patterns of behavior. Something I'm still working on.</div></div>Which brings us back to Scogs. I'm glad you're able to work on yourself. It's an important step in getting closer to being ready for healthy, consistent sex. But I have a question for you that's been weighing on me after reading your experience. Do you ever get angry about it? Sex is supposed to be easy and fun and everyone else seems to have such an easy time of it but we have to mentally prepare for obscene amounts of time to even get close to another human. Aren't you angry, or resentful? Or how do you get past that feeling, maybe?", "user": "tinmansgirl27" }, { "id": "1178273", "time": "1637080628", "html": "If you're having trouble focusing during sex, you could try playing music at the same time.", "user": "antagonist" }, { "id": "1178277", "time": "1637081001", "html": "Eri, I posted almost the same time as your post, but I wanted to tell you I think those are some great suggestions. Mostly because that's the direction we've been trying to go with it at every point you made. I like to encourage physical intimacy not leading into sex every time, but it is a little hard (literally lol).<br /><br />Also Ant, I don't know why I haven't played music during sex in forever. I used to love having sexy playlists because it helped me with a mixture of sexual fantasy and focusing on the moment. Good call!", "user": "tinmansgirl27" }, { "id": "1178285", "time": "1637081416", "html": "That is awesome to hear! It's genuinely so relatable to me to get "stuck" in your own head. It often takes me quite a while to really feel comfortable with a partner such that I'm not thinking about my appearance, whether my responses are "right," etc, to be able to just relax and enjoy myself. I generally find that when sex tends to focus more on me, and on a partner deriving enjoyment from MY enjoyment and wants, that it's a lot easier for me. If I really feel like my partner WANTS me to enjoy myself and that they WANT my reactions, and is explicitly encouraging of that in the moment, it's helpful.", "user": "eriophora" }, { "id": "1178306", "time": "1637082948", "html": "Always with music on if the beast is home. The Other is loud and I constantly have shush her.", "user": "srilankandevilbird" }, { "id": "1178309", "time": "1637083774", "html": "I don't really prefer music, myself. I tend to find it distracting in a bad way, or at best it ends up being background noise I just tune out.", "user": "eriophora" }, { "id": "1178313", "time": "1637085518", "html": "<div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/tinmansgirl27\">TinmansGirl27</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">Do you ever get angry about it? Sex is supposed to be easy and fun and everyone else seems to have such an easy time of it but we have to mentally prepare for obscene amounts of time to even get close to another human. Aren't you angry, or resentful? Or how do you get past that feeling, maybe?</div></div> Angry? No, not really. I suppose I've felt just about every emotion about this over the years. But, anger about such things isn't really in my emotional lexicon. I think I just don't feel it would be productive to be angry at myself or anyone else. Resentful, maybe. I resent myself from being unable to "seal the deal" with people I've had close encounters with over the years, or I occasionally am jealous of others for whom these things seem to come so easily. I've even gone through periods of being extremely envious of my past self, but I've worked through that, realizing the many other ways I've grown as a person. I have also had a lot of very supportive friends over the years, here and elsewhere, who have helped talk me through some things. And I have had some difficulty finding a good, helpful, stable, consistent therapist. But I feel that I'm doing much better in most ways than I was, say, seven or eight years ago.", "user": "scoggles" }, { "id": "1178325", "time": "1637088288", "html": "<div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/srilankandevilbird\">Sri Lankan Devil Bird</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">Always with music on if the beast is home. The Other is loud and I constantly have shush her.</div></div><br />family friendly music though, like the thomas the tank engine theme song", "user": "titanlord237" }, { "id": "1178328", "time": "1637089642", "html": "One thing I've been kind of coming to terms with in terms of my body image is that how I think I look in a mirror, how I look in pictures, and how I look in person are three completely different things that I have very little control over.", "user": "scoggles" }, { "id": "1178343", "time": "1637094443", "html": "<div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/tinmansgirl27\">TinmansGirl27</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">You guys helped me start a conversation last night with him where we just took it really slow and I kinda realized it's that my feelings with sex boils down to feeling like I'm a tool, or I'm there for everyone else's enjoyment and my own enjoyment makes me really uncomfortable. So if I think I look ugly/fat then I'll feel like I'm not good enough to do what I'm supposed to do and I can't ignore that long enough to enjoy myself because I don't really care about my own enjoyment most of the time. I wonder if this is a normal result of youth sexual trauma, or the way we talk to women about sex, or if I have other things contributing to this subconscious mindset.</div></div><br />I relate to this a lot and have similar opinions about it being related to sexual trauma and/or the socialisation those with female sex organs experience when it comes to sex. Existing in a society that demands women to be 'pure' and shames them for enjoying sex while at the same time treating them as sex objects is not exactly conducive to a healthy sexual mindset.", "user": "jestkukolka" }, { "id": "1178351", "time": "1637100418", "html": "That is pretty fucked up.", "user": "srilankandevilbird" }, { "id": "1178352", "time": "1637100434", "html": "<div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/titanlord237\">Titanlord237</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\"><div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/srilankandevilbird\">Sri Lankan Devil Bird</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">Always with music on if the beast is home. The Other is loud and I constantly have shush her.</div></div><br />family friendly music though, like the thomas the tank engine theme song</div></div><br />Usually rap.", "user": "srilankandevilbird" }, { "id": "1178353", "time": "1637100515", "html": "<div style=\"margin:20px; background-image:url(/images/light.png);\"><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:5px;\"><a href=\"/users/scoggles\">Scoggles</a> said:</div><div style=\"border:1px solid #888; padding:20px;\">One thing I've been kind of coming to terms with in terms of my body image is that how I think I look in a mirror, how I look in pictures, and how I look in person are three completely different things that I have very little control over.</div></div><br />Dude, pictures fucking suck.", "user": "srilankandevilbird" }, { "id": "1178359", "time": "1637101434", "html": "I thought I was having a "good butt day" today based on my perception from the mirror. Could not recreate the magic on my camera no matter the angle, lens, et cetera.", "user": "scoggles" }, { "id": "1178384", "time": "1637111536", "html": "Lol", "user": "srilankandevilbird" }, { "id": "1178427", "time": "1637156361", "html": "I've been in a number of situations where someone was extremely attracted to me, and even though I was maybe into them, I couldn't make myself be with them because it felt like they were fetishizing my body type. Like, people who openly say they are into "bigger dudes" or they "love a guy with a big belly" and so on...<br /><br />Or one time, I was making out with someone, and for a while I was on top of them, and didn't go further because of reasons, but after the fact they mentioned to me, "It felt like I was being crushed, and that was actually kind of hot." And they wanted to maybe do it again, but to me, because my intention was not to crush them, and they didn't go into it knowing they liked being crushed, it was like they were discovering a kink that neither of us consented to, which was a very weird feeling to me. And usually, at least theoretically, I'm OK with playing along with partners' kinks even if I'm not particularly into them as long as they don't cross any hard boundaries. But just being "the obese dude who smothers his partners and erotically asphyxiates them with his immense girth" was never something I consented to being.<br /><br />It also really bugs me, I think because I don't think of myself that way. I have this kind of externalization of my weight/body fat that happens, where that isn't me, that's a symptom of a mental illness and/or a hormonal imbalance that I have, and to me my fatty layers are more like a tumor or something, not a part of "me," if that makes sense. So imagine if someone really wanted to fuck you <span style=\"font-style:italic;\">because</span> you had cancer, and they wanted to rub their juices all over your tumor, or whatever. Weird, right? That's kind of how I feel all the time, and I don't think I'll be OK with someone being physically into me until my body composition changes significantly (which is a process I have begun, and I'm maybe 15-20% of the way to my goal).<br /><br />There are other psychological reasons I think for my celibacy mostly to do with trauma, and at least one other physiological cause that was a limitation in the past, but has since been remedied, but now it seems the big factor is my own self-image.", "user": "scoggles" } ], "users": { "tinmansgirl27": { "name": "TinmansGirl27", "key": "tinmansgirl27", "url": "/users/tinmansgirl27", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/33256.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "6206" }, "scoggles": { "name": "Scoggles", "key": "scoggles", "url": "/users/scoggles", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/23512.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "3973" }, "srilankandevilbird": { "name": "Sri Lankan Devil Bird", "key": "srilankandevilbird", "url": "/users/srilankandevilbird", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/27106.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "953" }, "sunshinedust": { "name": "SunshineDust", "key": "sunshinedust", "url": "/users/sunshinedust", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/8837.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "4350" }, "jestkukolka": { "name": "jest | kukolka", "key": "jestkukolka", "url": "/users/jestkukolka", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/26946.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "2189" }, "eriophora": { "name": "eriophora", "key": "eriophora", "url": "/users/eriophora", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/28900.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "848" }, "antagonist": { "name": "Antagonist", "key": "antagonist", "url": "/users/antagonist", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/27059.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "7548" }, "titanlord237": { "name": "Titanlord237", "key": "titanlord237", "url": "/users/titanlord237", "avatar": "/uploads/drawn/25014.png", "rankClass": "civilian", "rankText": "", "posts": "9134" } }, "page_num": 1, "locked": 0, "total_pages": 4 }

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