ForumRelationships and Stuff ► Need More Relationship Advice cml
Okay, so this post is going to be long, please stick with it and give me some much needed advice. My ex and I hit a rough spot over the summer. I was questioning my feelings for him as we've been together for 3 years, and our relationship seemed mundane. I stopped putting effort in, and he did as well. He's been living with me in my apartment for 2 years. We knew each other so well (kinda happens living with someone for so long). We both sensed something off in our relationship. We both went to our hometowns for a week to unwind with family. While I was home, I realized I truly loved him and wanted to fix whatever was broken. I picked him up from the airport, helped him move into his new apartment, and then he suddenly broke up with me. I was too shocked to say anything at the moment so let it be. Later, I texted him saying maybe it was something we both needed-- some space and time to find our own lives again. He agreed. Later the next day, he called me hysterically crying saying he regretting everything he said and that he loved me and begged me to go over and talk to him. So, I went. I went and he begged for me back, and I said I still loved him, I just felt we needed to take things slow after what just happened. We agreed to only see each other 1x a week. I kissed him before he left, and he said it gave him goosebumps again. He later texted me if later in the week we could meet up for a walk. I agreed. When I went, he said he didn't think things would work. He said we were too different and were just heading in completely different directions in life. At this point, I got frustrated and asked him why he would have even called me up crying in the first place. After several moments of silence, he broke down again and said we needed to talk. We spent an hour discussing everything that was wrong with our relationship, and how we can move on to fixing it. Ultimately, we both agreed we still needed space from each other to re-spark everything.

Since then, we chatted like normal every once in a while. Things seemed to get better. We went out for beers one night and he was completely closed off, bragging about going out, partying , etc. It hurt me, and I explained that, and he simply said he did not know how to feel anymore. I left after pouring my heart out to him and only getting a kiss on the cheek in return. The next night, I was at a bar with some friends, and heading back to my apartment to hang. He texted me asking what I was doing/if he could come. I figured why not, and invited him over. He came over and we all hung out and had a great time. We got belligerently drunk. Later that night, I was sick to my stomach from the alcohol. He took care of me the whole night and kept saying he was there for me and that he loved me and how he wasn't leaving. He stayed over that night, and the next morning we made love. He said we could tell people we were still dating, and that he felt like he was falling in love with me again. I felt so good, I had the best sleep in my life. He kissed me goodbye and said he would see me tomorrow (this was sat-sun). On Monday we chatted and made plans for the weekend to ride out Hurricane Irma together, Tuesday I bought everything we would need for the storm. He then texted me saying we needed to talk. So we did, and long story short he said he just didn't think he loved me anymore, that he didn't want to hurt me anymore, and that he didn't want me to act like a "crazy ex". He then left to NC and left me stuck in FL with no car, his cat, and nowhere to go. I was forced to evacuate and hitchhiked to Maryland.

I should hate him, but I can't stop thinking about him. His roommate, who is my good friend, said it seems like he's ready to move on and wanted to do it for a while. I know how he is, he's an impulsive person, and doesnt always think his actions through. Do you think theres any chance he'll contact me in the next few months realizing what he lost? It just blows my mind he could have sex with me, say he loves me, and then decide he doesn't in a 4 day span... I just wish he was hurting the same way as me.

I ran into him today, I kept my head held high, looked him in the eyes and smiled at him. He looked tired, quickly smiled and then put his head down. Whats your opinion on the situation? Thanks for reading my life crisis rn.
  
My first impression is he'll continue to waffle as long as you let him avoid commitment. Guys can be like that. People can be like that.
I would recommend you two talk your relationship over some more and this time be clear about expectations. You've been through enough as a couple that it shouldn't be a scary conversation. But either commit to staying together or commit to letting it go.

[Edit: Don't require him (or yourself) to have the conversation and make a permanent decision on the spot. But do give yourselves a time limit to decide (something relatively short like a day or a week) and a time limit for how long that decision is to last (something relatively long like three months or a year). Commit to that timeframe together.]
  
He then left to NC and left me stuck in FL with no car, his cat, and nowhere to go. I was forced to evacuate and hitchhiked to Maryland.


It really doesn't sound like he loves you, or even cares about you. I know he said he does, but...

My verdict is ditch this guy, you can do better.

If you want to patch things up, gws gave good advice.
  
Oh shoot, I forgot about that stuff while I was writing my reply. Yeah, that's not cool; you need (and should exact) a very convincing explanation of why that won't ever happen again.
  
1. I fled Irma to MD too so this is wild to read
2. He doesn't care about your feelings and made that blatantly obvious. It sucks but it is time to move on
  
Thank you everyone. I think I need to accept the reality of it that it is over. Its just so hard to believe. My whole life was built up around him, I know where our relationship went wrong and he just simply does not want to put any effort into fixing it. I should hate him for how he left me, cause that says alone he doesn't care about me at all. It is just hard--all I remember are the good times we had and not the few bad times there were. It is so weird seeing him/passing him and not even noticing each other, cause we were best friends for so long. Its just surreal.
  
You could still have a friendship, but it'll have to be rebuilt on a different foundation.
  
And you should give it some time before attempting to rebuild. Make sure there's some emotional distance between you because you should have emotional distance from this guy.
  
I don't think I'd ever be able to be friends with him unless it was more. Either way, I'm telling myself there is no chance for us, but if there is, it'll be a while from now when he has space to grow up a bit more.
As I reflect on our relationship more, we both were just so obsessed with each other that we blocked out a lot of other aspects of our lives (such as friend groups/a life outside of each other) which I know isn't healthy. Maybe can be fixed with space.
I think what makes this hard is because I'm so used to his comfort and friendship aside from our relationship. It hurts cause it doesnt seem like he's having any issues. He deleted every picture of me on instagram and Facebook, and seems to be doing just fine, which irks me because I clearly am not "fine". I would say it all was an act, but he genuinely seems okay.
I just really hope he soon discovers the grass isn't greener on the other side, and realizes he misses what its like to actually have someone who loves him.
  
As someone who just went thru this:

He won't. The only thing that will help is time and separating. No contact.
  
Pixels said:
As someone who just went thru this:

He won't. The only thing that will help is time and separating. No contact.


I'm kinda feeling that :/ How long did it take you to get over it all? Like I said, this all sucks even more because I'm from a small school so see him a lot no matter how hard I try to avoid it.
  
I'm still getting over mine. But I will say that 2 months in, it is so much easier than it was.
  
To me it sounds like, for whatever reason, he's decided that this won't work- maybe you've drifted too far apart, maybe you're too different, have differebt goals etc. Regardless, he's made up his mind, and the relationship's got an expiration date. And really, there's nothing wrong with that. It sucks, its painful, but dating is to find out if that person works for you. If they don't, they don't, and love isn't enough alone to force a relationship to work.

The shitty thing here is he seems to totally be treating you like a security blanket. He gets to venture out, and start feeling out single life, then rushes back to comfortable old having a girlfriend when he starts feeling the discomfort of leaving a relationship. Its shitty, and its awful to you. Still, seems like he may have finally decided to quit it, now he's gotten to use you for his adjustment period.

I'd say forget him. If he comes crawling back, just think of this- you're being his pacifier as he weans himself off. He's using you to get a break from feeling bad.

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." -Maya Angelou.
  
To me it sounds like, for whatever reason, he's decided that this won't work- maybe you've drifted too far apart, maybe you're too different, have differebt goals etc. Regardless, he's made up his mind, and the relationship's got an expiration date. And really, there's nothing wrong with that. It sucks, its painful, but dating is to find out if that person works for you. If they don't, they don't, and love isn't enough alone to force a relationship to work.

The shitty thing here is he seems to totally be treating you like a security blanket. He gets to venture out, and start feeling out single life, then rushes back to comfortable old having a girlfriend when he starts feeling the discomfort of leaving a relationship. Its shitty, and its awful to you. Still, seems like he may have finally decided to quit it, now he's gotten to use you for his adjustment period.

I'd say forget him. If he comes crawling back, just think of this- you're being his pacifier as he weans himself off. He's using you to get a break from feeling bad.

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." -Maya Angelou.


Yeah, I think you are completely right. If he were able to treat me how he did on the last day, it seems he's made up his mind. I know how he is (a bit selfish and very impulsive) and I should be happy he's out of my life. I just constantly think of the good and not the bad. Either way, I do think he is done. I'm trying my hardest to move on. I just want him to hurt the same way as me. I've heard through mutual friends that he's making up excuses for breaking up with me (like we don't enjoy the same things even though we did, or that he did not feel comfortable hanging out with his friends even though I pushed him to, and he refused to if I wasn't there) stuff like that. I'm trying my hardest to push him out, but part of me still hopes in a few months he'll realize the grass ISNT greener on the other side, gets bored of the single life, and tries to apologize. I know that isn't a healthy thing to hope for, though.
  
Minor Update: Heard from a mutual friend that it seems like he is getting bored already. She spotted him wandering around my block around 10:30pm at night by himself (he usually goes to bed around that time so to me thats super weird). Today, I ran into him at the library on campus. Not sure if we saw me, I deff saw him, and just tried my best to seem fine and pretend he wasn't there. Shortly after, he left the library in a rush-- I'm assuming he left because he saw me there. That's what I am hoping at least. Going to a small campus sucks, because I will keep running into him. I just hope this is as hard for him in a sense as it is for me!
  
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