ForumRelationships and Stuff ► How to be Nice?
I'm not good at talking to people, and being a shut in because of the pandemic for a year hasn't helped. I really want to be nice to people whenever possible but I really struggle with finding the words to. I always seem to come off as arrogant or patronizing. This is just asking for help on how to go about expressing sympathy or complimenting someone. I want to be nice. I am unfortunately unable to. I just wanted to ask for help on doing so.
  
You need to add in fluff, intentions of kindness. Also ownership of your statement. I prefer direct people but most don't.

Example
You're never going to have meaningful friendships if you act like a jerk.

Fluff
I want you to be happy and build meaningful relationships with other people. So i think your best chance at that is working to emphasize kindness and empathy for others when you talk to them.
  
thank you.
  
Hey man. No problem. Being heard is important and I see you.
As for compliments. Pick a thing you like and say you like it.
Or
If you can see that someone put effort into something compliment that

You can practice on the elderly. I know that sounds weird but, have you ever noticed the work those ladies put into their appearance? They usually have their hair curled, a touch of make up and an outfit that is color coordinated. Just say " You look lovely today." And go on about your business. Its makes them feel really good because they are people and they are looked over because they don't meet some arbitrary rules society says you have to meet to be noticed and you get practice
  
Re compliments on appearance - if you're complimenting people on their physical appearance and are concerned about being creepy (you didn't mention this, but I thought I'd mention it just in case), compliment people on things that are choices they made, rather than attributes of theirs. For example, "your hair looks great" or "I love your shoes" vs "you are gorgeous" or "you have a nice body".
  
i'll try to keep that in mind. though i can't really think of a situation where it would call for adding something like a compliment to it without it sounding out of place. or to me, at least.
  
This is all really good advice that's been given in this thread. The next step is to try using the advice. If you come back to troubleshoot and you haven't tried out the advice given to you, then you're not being honest with yourself.

If the goal is to be nicer, you will try this advice and report on it. There comes a point after asking people's advice many times on a similar subject that you need to actually use the advice that was given to you before coming back and asking for more just as a general courtesy to others and a genuine service of improvement to yourself.

Go complement an old lady; Actually do it. Come back and tell the story about how it went, how she responded, how you felt, etc.
  
just, on the street? i don't know many old ladies personally. i guess i could try it, next time i'm out.
  
I don't mind you asking questions and airing out your insecurities and uncertainty. You're welcome to asking any questions or make any statement you want.
  
water phoenix i think you meant "compliment"

...sorry i guess that was the opposite of a nice behavior.
  
My nickname is Pheo because I don't know how to spell the word phoenix. I don't have any insecurities about my spelling, its not something I measure any kind of self worth on.

I was incredibly literate with a huge vocabulary and precise spelling before my traumatic brain injury. I was in the top of English and Spanish and was the copy editor for both my yearbook and my newspaper in school right before the accident.

Shortly after the accident, reading or writing even a single sentence gave me sharp head pains and headaches and I had to avoid the written word altogether for a few months. I've learned some new language skills, but some of my old knowledge, syntax, and vocabulary has been lost forever until I rediscover it anew.

Its not something I'm ashamed of. I'm proud of how much articulation and literacy I retained and regained. A typo doesn't say anything about my character.

What does it say about your character that you would derail your own thread, disregard productive discourse, and devote an entire post to a petty observation followed up by an insincere apology?
  
Do you guys have some back story that I don't know about? I don't think someone pointing out a typo warranted a multi-paragraph back story. Followed by an attack on their character.

I'm confused by the behavior because you've have always seemed like a nice person.
  
Well, they did provide some valid points at the end about kadaevr's character.
  
Since when is pointing out a typo a character flaw?

How does Pheo know his apology isn't sincere?
  
kadaevr said:
...sorry i guess...

That's what makes it sound insincere.
  
That is only a portion of what he said. you people are putting your own tone into this persons statement... its really easy to paint this person as a villian when you only use a portion of what they said. I can't say I'm surprised you would think manipulative behavior like that is okay considering the times we are living in. But why would you do it when there statement is right above you where everyone else can see how ridiculous what you're doing is. Anywho, I think I've once again had enough of TwoCans. I can only take the cliquey, jump to the defense of a person whos clearly in wrong, just because he has more posts stuff in small doses.
  
I was just using a small section of what he said to show what made him sound sarcastic, not to try to make them the villain. Perhaps I should have cleared that up?
  
I think this could be more effectively addressed by saying:

Kadaevr, it can be considered rude to correct peoples' spelling, depending on how you do it. Many people are sensitive about that, and it can seem dismissive to respond to someone's presentation of their idea rather than the idea itself. When you wrote "... sorry I guess", what that tells the reader is that you have realised you're doing a bad thing, and decided to do it anyway, which is pointlessly disrespectful. You have two options when this occurs: don't say anything, or do your best to say it politely. Choosing neither is rude.

Phoenix, I think your last paragraph is not particularly fair or productive. Kadaevr did respond to the substantive part of your post, in a post prior to the one about spelling. I don't know how much you've paid attention to the inane threads in General right now, but Kadaevr seems to be one of those people who just posts a large number of posts rather than one long one. I think they just post a lot of things on various tangents.
  
Your hair sure is nice the way it grows off your head

Am I doing it right?
  
Eric-616 said:
Your hair sure is nice the way it grows off your head

Am I doing it right?


I like it. ♡

Antagonist is articulate. I am not. They get it.
  
the most painful fucking autoban of my life

i'll address every post in sequential order with edits

edit:
first of all, i complimented the cashier at costco while i was grocery shopping with my mom yesterday. she said thanks, and i replied before heading back to the car.

i admit that the joke was a bit in poor taste considering that the situation absolutely didn't call for it but i thought the irony was obvious, due to the fact that i hardly type with good grammar myself. but if what i said really did offend you with its irreverence, it's not what i meant at all and i apologize.

antagonist you're right. the situation really didn't call for my correcting phoenix's spelling. especially not in the context of the thread. i'm sorry. i didn't mean it at all. i'll take responsibility for being so flippant though.


edit 2:
reading it back, i can totally get how my attitude might seem mocking. i just didn't think of it as that big of a deal, which shows that i don't pay that much attention to how my words can affect other people. but for the record, i wasn't being sarcastic. whether or not you think that's okay, it's for you to decide. just know that i didn't genuinely want to be rude. i'm really, truly sorry.



i did take your advice into account. i just didn't have any reason or way to go outside and actually meet strangers. i don't often have that option.
  
i'm fucking sorry man. i'm really fuckin sorry. i get it. it's not right of me to be rude. especially in this situation where i'm literally asking for help on how to be a nicer person.

i'm fucking sorry.
  
Hey, it's alright dude. It's good that you're trying to change.
  
Phoenix, I think your last paragraph is not particularly fair or productive.
That's a fair point.
Anywho, I think I've once again had enough of TwoCans. I can only take the cliquey, jump to the defense of a person whos clearly in wrong, just because he has more posts stuff in small doses.
I don't want people to wrongfully defend me, especially over minor stuff like this, just because I have more posts and I sincerely hope its not what's happening. I like having you around the site. I'd be sad to see you leave especially if its because I overreacted to someone correcting a typo of mine.

I wasn't angry about the typo getting corrected for the record. I felt angry that I took time and care to read through a thread and respond and all I got for my effort was a typo correction with literally no other input or context. It felt like a subtle middle finger was pointed at me and I did feel embarrassed that I had wasted my time to try to help someone who would then take the opportunity to be rude to me without considering anything I took time and effort to say and then follow it up with what seemed to me to be an insulting apology in the very post they made that ignored everything I said.

To answer why I think that apology is insincere, if someone writes an apology in the same post they did something that needs apologizing for it, what a normal person does is just not make that post. If someone makes the post anyways, they're obviously not sorry, especially if they wrote the word sorry before posting the post that they are supposedly apologizing for.

Its definitely a wounded pride thing. Edit: was repeating myself.
  
Perhaps the lesson here is that part of being nice is letting minor things go without comment when it's something silly that isn't hurting anyone, like a spelling error 😅

Not everything needs commentary.
  
Forum > Relationships and Stuff > How to be Nice?