ForumMusic/Movies/TV/Books ► Poetry
I apologize if anyone has already started a thread about this; I was too lazy to look through all 25 pages.
I just need tips on my latest poem. Here's some background: It's for a competition. I wrote one super long poem and four super short ones, none of which fit the time limit. Someone suggested that I mash up all the short ones, so here is the product:

empty hands
over empty eyes
in front of empty mind
above empty heart
my thoughts tell me to
keep the pain locked inside
but sometimes i want to
feel something through the numbness
my hand moves over the paper
bleeding, bold and broken
the words tumble forth
invisible ink
staining a thousand silent pages
locked in the vault of my mind
a vault i don’t have the key to
must it always be this way?
i sneak a breath in the shadows
my voice is loud, a chord
in the quiet symphony
kept time by my beating heart
the music is familiar
yet strange
an echo of the person i used to call myself
then the wind comes
and with it
the emptiness
my fractured thoughts float away,
each one
quieter
than
the
last
my heart is numb again.
the song is lost,
replaced by an empty chasm
in which is a single desire
to have someone look at me and see
the girl i’ve grown used to hiding away
to have someone care enough to miss me when i’m gone
and notice me when i’m here
it’s funny, really
how the times when i hide
is when i want to be seen the most
maybe it’s because i know
you’ll see me if i try to get attention
and you’ll hear me if i talk loud enough
but you won’t see me as me,
only as the girl i try to be.
and sometimes, the girl i truly am
doesn’t know how to be seen
in our world, you are only what people see you as
and that is why i am empty
and left thinking about how
one thought could change everything
just think,
a single decision, sharp and cutting
can beg you to pull the trigger
and BAM, in one moment
a life hangs in the balance
the earth is a snow globe
with the lightest bump
into our spindly-legged universe
we could all be shattered
how fragile we are
how easily burned
some have already been broken
by nothing but thoughts.
so tread carefully, darling.
the mind is a delicate thing.
with a single breath,
a crack can form,
all feeling leaking out, drop by drop,
until you, too, are empty.
  
Hello Sparrowingrey, welcome to the forum. Dibs on your soul.
  
Boop.
You just happened to look in the wrong section.