ForumTouchy Subjects ► Tw sexual assault
If this isn't allowed, please let me know and I'll delete it but I'm looking for advice or just a rant to clear my thoughts.


I was raped at a young age by somebody who I thought was my friend. I'm seeking both legal and therapeutic support and I'm just having a hard time with existing while trying to figure out what happened, if that makes sense? I know what physically happened and I understand that it wasn't my fault but I still feel deep down that I did something to cause it. I was 10 when it started and he was around 18. I'm just conflicted and frankly scared.
  
Just know that what happened was not in any way your fault. It was the sick intentions of a bad person that lead to this, and know that you will be able to make it through this. We have your back, friend.
  
Thank you. It really does mean a lot. I'm just really lost and confused about everything and I don't have anybody I can relate to so it feels like it's only me, which I know that isn't true but still.
  
I totally get it. My mom and my first boyfriend dealt with the same situation as well. It's certainly not a cake walk to continue on with that on the mind but I know that it's possible. I know it may not be much, but if you need anything from me, you can always PM me. Take care :)
  
I appreciate it a lot. Thanks. I'm always a message away if you need advice from somebody on the internet.
  
While I wasn't raped, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by the son of my dad's serious live-in girlfriend across about a year when I was 11-12ish or so. He was basically my stepbrother in the ways that mattered. He was 17, I think, or thereabouts. We had lived in the same house for a couple years when it started happening.

You aren't alone. There are a lot of very bad people out there who will take advantage of those who are both younger than them and accessible to them. No matter how you dealt with it or reacted at the time... you were a child. You did not ask for or consent to that; you couldn't. You were too young to react appropriately and therefore could not consent. Even had you asked... it was because someone manipulated you into that. It wasn't really "you" in a sense. No 10 year old can understand the implications of sex and sexual acts.

There are four main responses to fear and stress: flight, fight, freeze, and fawn. Most people only talk about the first two, but freeze and fawn are common as well. That reaction is innate and typically cannot be controlled, especially as a child. I ended up getting "freeze." I pretty much just.... shut down. There was a period as a kid where I was on the verge of developing an eating disorder because I just couldn't eat at all for days after a new incident occurred. During the assaults, I just let it happen. It was like I was petrified. My mind just started spinning in circles to the point that I COULDN'T do anything. I hated myself for it.

I blamed myself a lot for that. My English teacher at the time had a quote on her wall that really stuck with me, and not in a good way: "You're only a victim once. After that, you're a participant." Going to school every day and seeing that on the wall just killed me inside - I wasn't a victim. I wasn't doing anything to stop it. Therefore, I must be a participant, right?

Obviously now I know that's not the case, but man, did it suck. Fuck that quote. Fuck anyone who takes it seriously, too. Despite it having been more than a decade ago, I've sometimes thought about emailing that teacher to request that she take it down, though I never have done so.

Anyway, not trying to make this thread about me, but I want you to know that this happens to more people than you'd think (or ever hope). I often wish I WAS alone since it would mean no one else had gone through it, but those of us who have need to support each other. I hope knowing that another here has also experienced something bad makes you feel less alone.

There was a lot of other baggage from this that I've dealt with over the years, but.... if you try hard, you can come out on the other side <3
  
Thank you so much for sharing. I was also a 'freeze". I often think about how many chances my abuser could've went to somebody else and I'm glad he didn't. For me it happened over the course of 2 or 3 years and I won't go into details but those feelings will never go away and this all started today because I watched a movie on Netflix. I'm proud of you for sharing your story with me and I'm sorry that you that experience. I'm lucky enough to be able to go to court for my justice and I have a good chance of seeing it but I'm also terrified.
  
Being a "freeze" definitely sucks, although I think "fawns" might have it even worse :( they're all just the ways we default to trying to protect ourselves. By freezing, it was your instincts trying to keep you from inciting further violence, which isn't... bad, exactly, although it leads to a lot of emotional turmoil.

I wish you the best of luck in court; I was never brave enough to take it to the legal system. I was always too afraid of the social ramifications (he was very popular in our small town I grew up in), having to face my abuser again, being called a liar, et cetera. Not to mention having struggled with anxiety and depression and such. Now it feels too late, and, honestly..... too inconvenient. I've also moved across the country since then, et cetera, so it would have a much greater impact on my current life to do so as well. I don't know if that's cowardly or wrong of me, but I don't think I'll ever seek to take him to court. As a bonus, I had an unrelated falling out with my dad, so pursuing justice would ALSO end up forcing me to rekindle that relationship, which isn't something I want. My family doesn't know about any of this occurring, either, and I'd rather keep it that way.

The one good thing I think I've taken away from it is the understanding of how much abuse impacts people, though. I think that unless you've gone through it, it's not really possible to understand how it seeps into every bit of your life, often in ways you don't realize until later on.
  
I sent you a PM. If that's okay
  
Well I was at a young age also but it was my cousin and Honestly I have made peace with it myself but It also happened to my brother and i feel like I'm responsible for what happened to him and if i told someone than I could have stopped what was going on with him and yes I am a boy and yes he is a man
But you aren't alone with that tons of others has suffered
  
It's important to forgive yourself for not protecting your brother, too. You were just a kid.
  
I have personal experiences to share on this subject (both my own, and people very close to me); but am not comfortable enough to share them publicly. Know that you're not alone, and sex offenders are at the top of the short list of people I hate in this world.
  
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