ForumTouchy Subjects ► Independent Children, and the Parents Who Need Us.
I just loaned my mom $5,000. I'm 24, newly engaged, new homeowner, and I should be extremely happy that I'm in a place where I can help her a little, but it does not feel like it will ever be enough.

She needed to borrow it to look like she had a large amount of liquid cash, because apparently this rental wanted her to put a year's worth of rent down (about $23k which she had most of, actually). Another place ( a corporation responsible for over 60% of rental management in our town) requires triple the rent in income. Not unreasonable if the rent was $800-1000, pretty unreasonable once you're reaching $2k and these people's incomes are lower middle class. She was unable to be accepted by either despite decent savings and great credit.

She has a dog, which I cannot offer to house as an alternative because I'm allergic and my fiance has asthma. I am still considering it regardless. We have an extra bedroom full of boxes which I am considering moving into the garage in case she is possibly unable to find anything by the time she gets kicked out of her current home. This would be super temporary, but it's a thing I would feel more comfortable doing if I didn't have a partner. I'm starting to feel like I have done something wrong to my mother by having a partner, and moving forward in life without helping/considering her at every step. She keeps emphasizing she will be okay and she appreciates my help. She keeps telling me not to feel bad... I just can't help it. I grew up working hard because I knew I'd need to support her someday. I just didn't think it'd be this soon and I'm not ready.

The situation is unlucky, unfortunate, and ill-timed. I am considering doing everything in my power to make something happen for her outside my home even if it means loaning money, as I said. I simply don't feel massively comfortable having her live here when we will be newlyweds soon and the dog would be an adorable, but inevitable, imposition. My partner has been incredibly supportive, albeit as annoyed with the possibility as I am, but we both agreed if it were to happen we would be emphasizing it as a very very short term thing. Which then also feels like not even an offer worth making to her.

I don't want to have to be here, I don't want to have to feel this way, but I actually have very normal/minimal issues with my mother so it's not even a question of whether she deserves it. She absolutely deserves as much help and love as the world can give back to her. The truth is she was/is wholeheartedly, foolishly generous towards me and others every step of the way. It's probably part of what's causing this for her.

TL;DR - What do young, independent adults do when the people who raised them are too difficult to help in the ways they need it most? Is letting your older parents live with you a bad idea or a moral obligation?
Alright, as I suspected during our brief conversation before you created the thread, I definitely have a different standpoint with this situation in contrast to my mother's somewhat similar situation.

I think the only solution I can offer is to see if you can't co-sign a lease for her, as that may help her qualify for a wider range of housing.

I am of the opinion that you don't owe your family anything for your existence or upbringing, so as far as I am concerned, there is no moral obligation to take care of them in turn. Were it my mother, I would absolutely not take her in. Were my mother your mother, I would probably only take her in temporarily if required to find her appropriate housing.
She needed to borrow it to look like she had a large amount of liquid cash, because apparently this rental wanted her to put a year's worth of rent down (about $23k which she had most of, actually).

This strikes me as a very uncommon demand for a landlord to make. I don't know your mom, so maybe it's an easy yes, but are you sure your mother is being totally honest with you?

Or anyone else who's run into this situation, maybe it's more common than I think.
with the state of the housing market its definitely not unheard of, especially if its in a particularly hot area with shitty tenant protections, and/or if theres any factor the tenant needs to compensate for, like a lower-than-recommended income. Andy Richter posted a while back about his kid getting extorted for 6 months up front.

that said its definitely a thing worth verifying if there's the slightest bit of doubt.
My mom and I both thought the request was super shady as well, but we found out after some research it's extremely normal in the Arizona rental market right now because it's so expensive and in high demand.

Luckily I have an update: my mom finally found a place and paid me back immediately. She was cutting it super close to her lease end date but she sought out private landlords and had way more luck without the robotic exploitation element involved. I hope this thread can help people who have dependent parents or family members talk about their concerns in the future, though. It's a rough spot to be in at a younger adult age.
I'm glad she was able to find a place <3.
Thank you, fwip.

I think the part I need to figure out coming out of this is why I felt so heavily like it was my responsibility to fix and maybe decide if I'm comfortable with that or not.
Forum > Touchy Subjects > Independent Children, and the Parents Who Need Us.